Why are we so certain about the criticisms we tell ourselves? I've worked with countless people who were happy to praise others, to give others the benefit of the doubt, and to forgive others' missteps; yet these same clients were also extremely slow to recognize their own strengths and to give themselves a bit of grace for their own errors.
Perhaps you find yourself being critical of your own thoughts, judgments, and actions. When you make a small error you just can't seem to let it go. You get stuck replaying the moment in your mind. You worry about the next time you'll screw up a conversation, a relationship, a meal prep, an important decision, a work project, etc. You get so good at finding all the flaws and cracks in your life that you miss the good that is ALSO there.
You are not perfect, and you never will be. But you are not all bad either! You have become quite skilled in the art of self-deprecation, and maybe it is difficult to see a way that you could start to believe in yourself again. Given this seemingly impossible hill to climb, it might be useful to start with something small.
Some people might start too big and have a hard time buying the hype they are telling themselves. "I love me!" or "I'm a kind person," or "I am worthy of the time and attention of others." These broad, positive claims may seem pretty foreign and hard to believe at first. So let's not start there.
Instead of going big, I suggest trying something much smaller:
"Maybe I'm wrong."
That's it. No need to claim victory over a situation or say something that you don't quite believe yet. Just sow a seed of doubt in the field of negativity you've been cultivating for so long. Maybe you are wrong about how bad all your decisions are. Maybe sometimes you make unhelpful choices, but sometimes you make helpful choices that are simply not recognized by you or others.
"Maybe I'm wrong [about him/her/that choice/what I said/how things will turn out]."
You don't even have to fully believe it yet. Just give it a chance. You just need to leave some wiggle room for the uncertainty to shift away from being critical of your actions to being critical of your self-talk.
"Maybe I'm wrong about me [being stupid/wrong/helpless/powerless/unworthy/stuck]."
Instead of being so convinced of all the negative things you've been telling yourself, maybe all you need for now is a maybe.
***Self-criticism can present itself in various forms. At times, it can manifest significantly in life through mental health indicators like feelings of depression, persistent anxious thoughts, avoidance, suicidal ideation, substance abuse, self-harm, isolation, and more. If you notice any of these symptoms in yourself, don't just brush them off - make sure to seek help from a mental health expert as well.
Accessing mental health support has become easier than before, as numerous therapists provide telehealth services (video therapy through platforms that can be accessed on smartphones, laptops, tablets, etc.). Additionally, many insurance providers now cover a wide range of mental health services.
If you are a California resident, consider calling Greenline Psychological Services to discuss whether therapy might be helpful for you during this season of life. Email info@greenlinepsych.com to set up a free consultation and to see whether one of our clinicians may be a good fit to help you work out the "maybe" that gets you started on the path to healing.
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